Ganonbird
by hoyteca
Summary: A boy becomes a pawn caught between two nations after his father is caught and used by the Gerudo.


"Um, excuse me, ma'am. I have a package for a 'Ms. Jewel'. The address specified her location as somewhere around here. Do you know where I may find her?"

The two people looked curiously at each other. One was a bird man, a Rito. He wore a simple tunic with elaborate bird, dragon, and water designs and a large mail bag. The other was a desert woman, a Gerudo. She had on the traditional harem shirt, pants, and shoes and was armed with a metal-tipped wooden spear.

The pair thought about their options. He could leave the package with her and trust she'd deliver it for him. The desert heat was unbearably hot and he didn't think he could survive much longer. She could capture him on the spot and perhaps collect a ransom.

"Follow me." she told him, "You can take it to her yourself and get some shade and water."

Shade. Water. He could use a bit of both right about now. He shrugged and followed her. They walked through the blistering desert until they made it to the fortress. Once inside the cool interior, she led him into a room.

"Wait here." she ordered, "Wander off and the guards might mistake you for a thief and kill you on the spot. I'll bring the water and Ms. Jewel."

The Rito felt nervous when she walked away. If it weren't for the heat, he would have kindly declined her offer. Several minutes later, the Gerudo returned with a large cup of water and a few guards.

"Tie him up." she ordered as the guards swiftly grabbed and tied the Rito.

"What's the meaning of this?" he demanded.

"Gerudo law." she explained to him in a calm, and demeaning, manner, "the only males permitted on Gerudo land are the Gerudo king and those who manage to impress the fortress's head Gerudo or king. It says that any other male who intrudes on these lands must be imprisoned."

"But you invited me." he countered, "I'm just a mailman trying to deliver a package to Ms. Jewel."

"You are the package." she told him, "Gerudo law doesn't specify if a man who is simply invited into the law is free to leave nor does it forbid any Gerudo from simply inviting one over."

"What do you want from me?"

"A child." she explained, "the thing you were supposed to deliver is simply a bottle of a special love potion. It merely alters the body so the male can handle a long night with us."

"What?" the Rito asked, unsure if he heard her right, "So I was paid to come here and make love? Do I look like a prostitute?"

"You look like a prisoner." she told him, "By the way, my name's Jewel. You're going to be a daddy, Mr. Lovebird."

"Why would you want me?" the Rito asked, "The name's Greg, by the way. I'm not exactly the most sought after bachelor. I only get jobs when everyone else is already busy. My usual duty is cleaning out the toilets since we don't have any real plumbing. You could easily do better."

"Don't be so modest." Jewel told him, "You're more than good enough, Lovebird."

"Can you please just release me and forget any of this ever happened?" Lovebird begged, "I promise not to tell anyone."

"We need men." Jewel explained, "We need men to help create the next generation. Normally, we'd find a Hylian, which was usually a 'hump and release' deal. The problem is they don't exactly like to cooperate.

You, on the other hand, came when we called. You flew all the way here like a good bird. For that, we'll make it extra special for you."

"Is it going to be 'hump and release?'" Lovebird asked.

"Try to get away and we'll saw off your legs and wings." Jewel warned, "We need you here and you need us to be in a merciful mood. Stay and you'll live a pampered life. Try to leave and you'll never walk or fly again."

"I'll be good." Lovebird told her.

"Take him to my room." Jewel told the guards, "make sure he's ready by the time I get there."

The guards grabbed and dragged Lovebird away.

++++++++That night++++++++

Lovebird had to admit being held captive here did have its privileges. He got a warm meal earlier, a soft bed to lay on, and a bath earlier with scented shampoo and actual soap. Why did he want to leave?

It was probably the Gerudos. Lovebird didn't like being the only guy trapped in a fortress filled with armed Amazonian thieves. He had heard many rumors. He had heard about men who had died in the middle of "satisfying" a Gerudo. Those who had survived it were supposedly scarred for life and their bodies were too destroyed to walk or do anything else.

That was "hump and release". He heard that they were far gentler when they wanted to keep you, but the experience was still far from pleasant. Being the only male in the fortress, he knew he couldn't expect to have much peace. The only Gerudo that wasn't in heat was either a child, pregnant, or dead and that last one was pretty iffy if rumors were to believed.

Jewel came in wearing a beautiful silk robe. Images of people riding giant birds in a blue sky covered it from bottom to hood.

"Do you like it?" she asked as she slid it off, "We swiped a few more a few weeks ago. If only that caravan had anything to liven up this room."

Lovebird had to admit that even he found the room plain. The bed was a simple white mattress, likely stolen, with a plain blue blanket. The only things on the walls were a window, door, and a few swords and spears.

"Enough small talk." she told him, "Let's get to work. I heard that Ritos have far more endurance than the average Hylian. Hopefully, that means you won't die tonight."

Lovebird gulped and looked for a way out. The door was closed and locked when the guards left. The window was small, closed, and would take too long to squeeze through.

"Are you sure you don't want someone better?" Lovebird asked in desperation, "Maybe someone smarter or stronger or faster? Someone who has some experience pleasing women?"

"Are you telling me you're still a virgin? Don't worry. I'll fix that."

Jewel grabbed Lovebird and threw him on the bed. That night, she made him live up to his new name.

++++++++The next morning++++++++

Lovebird woke up sore and still in Jewel's arms. When he tried to get put of her grasp, he accidentally woke her up.

"Good morning." Jewel said as she sat up next to him, "I've been wondering why the Hylians didn't already absorb and assimilate your people into their Moronarchy."

"Moronarchy?" Lovebird asked.

"It's like a monarchy, but always ruled by morons."

"There was no reason to." he answered, "Our homeland is too rocky for agriculture and too poor in gold or other metals for mining. We are frail and only good for transporting mail. In short, we were too useless for the royal family."

"But you're not too useless for us." Jewel cooed, "Why would you want to serve a spoiled family that governs an idiot populous? Why not join our little country?"

"It would make us a target." Lovebird told her.

"We protect our allies, but you wouldn't be an ally." Jewel explained, "You'd be a citizen."

"I'd rather just be a bird living in a shitty mountain. Nothing more. What's for breakfast?"

"For you, I believe it's Cindy.


End file.
